Two Days IN

Lock – Purchased and combo memorized

Almond Butter and Soy Milk – Purchased

Monthly pass to an institution of physical fitness – purchased

Attendance made mandatory at said institution Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday – I’m 2 and 0 thus far (meaning I went Thurs and Sat)

“My Fitness Pal” on Dust’s iPhone – calibrated

I’m so serious.  Today is fat pictures day!

—

Update:  I need some sort of “calorie expenditure” quote on the activity of “chasing children around” any ideas?

Also, Fat pictures TAKEN and AWESOME!  Now THAT’s somethin’ I’m proud of.

12 Weeks

I have given myself 12 weeks.

I am serious, and it’s not a new year’s resolution.  It’s last year’s resolution, which is an entirely different thing.  A sad sad thing. No one tell me what year it is until 12 weeks from now, please and thank you.

I think in 12 weeks I can lose 15 lbs.  And, since I will be doing it via strength training, that 15 is gonna look like 30 and feel like 50 (and also feel like 5 years, right?)  That’s all I need to take off, 15 lbs and 5 years. And if the 15 don’t fall off, what the hell ever.  I’ll still be eating right, and exercising, and maybe a little less crazy and maybe not look like a hippo wearing jeggings, and also if I choose to punch you in the face it will hurt more in 12 weeks than it would today.

I realize that I have said this thing many times before, like many other things I’ve said (one of which is also “I hate this f*cking cat).  But this time I hope to persuade myself into thinking I am serious by taking a few critical actions:

1) I am starting a “category” on the blog called “My body.”  What?  You don’t think people will click on that category out of sheer fear? Look!  It’s already done!  Look at my progress!

2) I am taking pictures of myself.  I am serious.  There is nothing that motivates me more than seeing a little progress.  I can’t wait to get into my tattered granny underwear and ask Dust to snap some flubber photos! (that is what before pictures have to look like, don’t blame me)

3) I am going to find my ipod and then proceed to load music onto it.  HOWEVER, NOTE TO SELF:  This is NOT REQUIRED to do before you start.  You can’t say “I couldn’t find it” and have that be an excuse.

4) I am going to buy a new lock for a locker to be used in an undisclosed institution of physical fitness.  I like locks like 7th grade girls liked Trapper Keepers, and I have about as many locks as failed attempts at better physical health.  I buy one every time I do this, and then I proceed to forget the combination.  I hear good physical fitness helps with memory.

5) I will update you about my real progress.  Yes that means you have a lot of me talking about celery, tofu, and ground seeds to look forward to.  HORRAY!

Example of my progress:  Today I have only had two Christmas cookies.  Yes, that is progress, folks.  But I also have eaten 4 small meals, one of which consisted of leftover, dry, cold boiled chicken and pickles, and one consisted of an egg.  Plus, I already have dinner made and it’s called “Butter Bean Soup”.  It sounds so horrible, you know it’s healthy!

I plan on dragging my husband with me on this journey, because if there is something that motivates me, it’s bullying other people into performing.

 

 

I Get so Emotional, Baby!

What, you don’t sing old Whitney Houston songs?  Blah, liars!

I used to feel, when Jonah was little, like there was this big thing I was chasing.  Ever breathless, I would just push myself further and further, and nothing was fast enough.

Somehow, that thing got behind me, and it’s now perpetually behind me honking it’s horn as I run as fast as I can.

You’d think all this exercise could at least make a girl lose a few pounds. Nope.

Obviously it’s the 2.5 year old that is behind me, but it’s so much more.  It’s life, I suppose.

That is how I feel every day, and most certainly how I felt this holiday season.  I loved the holidays and had tons of fun watching Jonah have tons of fun, but omg, I feel insane now.

How do other people not feel like they are just literally running screaming at all times?

Oh, other people don’t have the mental problems that I do.  That always slips my mind!

I realize that everyone isn’t as “impressed” as I am that my kid cries in movies.  I mean, big deal.  But guys, he cries in movies a LOT.  Yesterday he cried at the end of Jungle Book 2 when Mogley chooses to go live in the village instead of with Baloo.  And today he cried at the end of Iron Giant when the giant and the boy separate and the giant eats the bomb.

And yesterday’s was not a little cry.  Granted, he was tired and it was time for a nap which he didn’t want to take, but when Mogley and Baloo split up, Jonah WAILED!  And yup, so did I.  I told you this was about emotional problems.

It is hard to describe the emotional problems that run through my veins.  I dislike them – emotions, that is. I have anxiety problems (SURPRISE!) which stem from my intense emotions and equally as intense hatred for emotions.  I know, it’s weird.  And I really don’t wish to delve MUCH further into that.

But, when my child begins exhibiting intense emotions, I have to say that it makes me afraid.  I want to just jump out of my chair and take those genes back from him immediately.  I want for him to learn to deal with these emotions so much better than I ever did / will / hope to before I die.  I want them to be a ‘no big deal’ sortof a thing for him, unlike what they have grown into for me.

And so, when your kid cries out loud when you are crying inside, at the same stupid movies… whaddya do?

I’m not sure what the answer to that SHOULD be, but for now, it’s “you cry with  him.”

Maybe he can teach me.

 

Paranoid, much?

Look.. sorry, life necessitated the removal of stuff.

Deal with it

 

Nugs

This week has been a great cooking week!  I know, it’s a weird thing to celebrate. But, I’m bringing back my love/hate for bread baking, and I tried a few new recipes!

We’ll start with the bread:  The good thing about bread is that even if it doesn’t rise, or rises horizontally instead of vertically, or if you put too much oil in the pan and it gets all greasy and crusty, or if it burns on the top and is a little raw on the bottom, it is YUMMY anyway! I’ve been making some ugly bread, but boy is it yum.

So, then I made this chicken and avocado soup recipe and it really knocked my socks off.  I mean, how can anything with avocado be bad, right?  But soup?  Sounded a bit odd.  I was missing some of the ingredients (cilantro) but it came out awesome.  It kindof tasted like Miso Soup broth with chicken and avocado pieces in it.  I will definitely make this again.

I also finally got my butt in gear and made some homemade mac n cheese that was a HUGE crowd pleaser! (crowd=me).  Since this entire blog is named after such an endeavor, you’d think I wouldn’t just forget about it.  But I did.  For years.  But, since Jonah’s diet is based nearly entirely on cheese and other dairy products, I thought I’d try some homemade mac n cheese.  The first time, I used colored spiral noodles.  Big Mistake.  Big!  HUGE!  I had to pick out the white noodles for him and tell him they were doing spinning tricks!  ha ha ha.  He fell for it, don’t worry!  Then I bought some regular macaroni and he ate an entire bowl of mac n cheese last night right before bed!  lol.  Here is my recipe:  butter, flour, milk, cream cheese, regular cheese, dash of garlic.  YUM!!!!!!

Then tonight I went for some vegan nuggets.  Check out her comparison of nutrition facts with McDonald’s.

Bake them with some homemade fries, I say!

Leave ‘em on your plate and just stick your hand in, says Jonah!

To each his own. (He ate almost a whole nugget, which I am taking as a good sign, considering the only other thing he ate for dinner was that container of ranch dip).

These nuggets are good!  The consistency is almost right on.  Seitan has a tendency to be spongy, and these are a TINY bit.  But, they are much better than my past attempts at vegan nugs.   And I put some in the freezer to see if I can cook them again later, like frozen nuggets.  Say what you will about fake meat, but this is what you are getting at McDonald’s anyway, so I say it’s beyond reasonable to abandon the beaks and butts, which are the only chicken added to that crap, and just go all the way!

In summary, it’s been a great cooking week.  Don’t ask me what kind of a cleaning week it has been!

Baby it’s cold out side!

“You have pretty good people skills, too.”

Hmm…  yeah, so….about that…

I am a critical person.  I am skeptical; analytical.  If you have something nice to say, I’ll probably say something mean – just to even out the energy in the room,  AND YET…  that’s the theme to this post.. AND YET….

Recently, I’ve really noticed when this “criticalness” is taken to a whole new level, and when I look around the room, it’s like, no one else knows they are being assholes.  There is a whole world of them, and I’m getting closer and closer to informing them of this.

We went to an undisclosed location lately with an unnamed group of people (don’t worry, if you know me, I’m not talking about you).   I wanted so badly to get out of that situation, or kick someone in the chops, all because they were just out of hand with their rudeness.   I am so tired of judgments, and snide remarks, and laughing out loud at other people, and thinking you are so much better than everyone else.

I am really trying to be a more positive person.  It’s sortof fresh on my mind.  Maybe that is why lately I don’t want anything to do with all the negativity that I (we all?) are surrounded by all the time.  Maybe I’m manic depressive and am in a manic phase???  I feel like along with lifting myself up, and being happy and helpful and caring, I got all these rude assholes tied to my back and I’m supposed to pull them up too.

Scratch that.. I don’t need to pull them up, but I am WELL aware of the grip they have and the weight they place on my shoulders every time they say something demeaning or rude.

Is it parenthood?  Does it do this to you?  I go through phases of being so highly conscious of this, and changes that I have gone through.  I mean, I know I am not the girl who is always smiling; I’m not the one who hugs you at a party, I’m just not that confident.  But I like to think I’m not the one who packs my slingshot everywhere, hoping someone has a new kitty I can practice on.  (too much???)  I hope that I’m the girl you can sit next to.  I won’t bother you, I won’t ask inappropriate questions, and I promise to listen to you, and smile, even if you talk for way too long.  I mean, that’s pretty good, right?  Aren’t we all sortof aiming for that?  Nope.

When you are 14 and you have to go to your great aunt Edna’s Easter party where everyone has to dress up like bunnies and sing songs, fine, have attitude about it.  BUT, if you are 45 years old and that great aunt Edna practically raised you, and has an insane love for Easter bunnies, then would it kill you to just shut the hell up and put on the fuzzy ears and SMILE!?!?!?  I mean, she’s doing it for you, you know?  She’s trying.  Aren’t you old enough to get that? Or are you just going to continue being rude until you die?

Everyone hates everyone.  For having bad taste in restaurants, for being too conservative, for having children and daring to take them places.  They hate people because they are weak, and they certainly hate people that are strong.  Many people hate people who they think are not as educated as them, and the kicker is that they ARE as educated as you, thank you very much!  They know a shit-ton about stuff that your mind cannot understand.  I mean, have we really not all learned this?  I know, Chili’s isn’t my favorite restaurant on the planet, but if someone invites me there for a holiday party, and they put a lot of work into making sure my evening is fun, the most I could do is just smile.  I could even tell them “nice party”  or “thank you.”

Is this normal? Is it something people like me go through when they have children and sortof… dare we say, leave that old self behind?  We leave many selves behind as we travel through life, picking up new things as we go, shedding the old. I can’t say I’m comfortable with being a mom yet.  Let’s be honest.  But, maybe I’m seeing things with this new pair of eyes?

God forbid it’s just Christmas that is making me wanna be positive!  Ha ha ha ha…

Anyway, besides noticing a lot of rude stuff lately, I have also had the pleasure of noticing when I don’t want to kick people in the chops!  We had a great dinner party with really great friends the other day. Warm drinks in a warm little house with warm people giggling at each other.  What is better than that?

Answer:  Nothing.

Thanks, friends, for really being an example of how warm a human being can be.

 

The Good Times

After calling my child a crackhead, I feel like I need to also state publicly all the wonderful things that come along with having a 2 year old.  I’m guilt-ridden like that.

So, the wonderful thing about Jonah, is that I can take him anywhere and he SHINES!  I know, I know.. my old readership is flipping off the computer screen right now (old readership?  WTF is she talking about?) but my new readership (KARA!) gets it, so suck it, old readership!  I say things like “my kid shines” now!

Where were we?  Oh yes, let me expand upon the shining of my child:

It’s not like he doesn’t throw fits and crawl around on the ground of grocery stores.  He CERTAINLY does that sometimes.  Sometimes I have to race to the deli wherever we are and buy potato wedges – STAT!  But, there are times, and they aren’t even few and far between, when I really feel like I’m hanging out with the coolest person ever.

We went to the library for a little “play” the other day.  It was a mime / music thing about The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.  Jonah was slightly upset that there were no Roars, and no fighting (?)  but, after getting over that, he turned his attention elsewhere and flirted quietly with the girl behind us for about 1/2 hr.  He was giving her sly smiles, and she, about 7, responded.  They were playing peek-a-boo and she was asking “who’s silly?”.  I LOVED it.  Silently, of course, so they didn’t know I was watching.  Then, as the show ended, the main grinch character came and stood by the end of our row.  Jonah hopped off my lap, walked nicely over to him, reached out and shook his hand and said “Jonah.”  Then motioned to me and said “mommy.”  I laughed until I cried, seriously.  “Hello, grinch, it’s nice to meet you, I am Sir Jonah, and this here is my mother and my father.”  (Say that with a British accent).

So, skip to last night – we went over to Clif’s house for a dinner party.  Luckily for us, Clif has a little girl Carly, who is 3.  Jonah and Carly are really digging each other right now and they play SOOOO good together.  Carly shows off all her princesses, and Jonah rifles through her toys.  He played with her forever, then sat nicely at the little kids table and ate dinner (his second for the night) without even asking mommy for help, or giving one little crap what I was doing at all.  He found me later and we hung out.

He’s just so easy, socially.

Often we go to the grocery store and he just walks beside me.  Sometimes getting in front of me, walking nicely and calmly down the aisles, smiling coyly at the passerby’s.  It’s like he’s 15 sometimes.  (that is how 15 year olds act, right??? RIGHT?)

When he isn’t shouting orders to the troops and enforcing rules with “he-yah!”‘s, that is.  (Yes, I really just punctuated that sentence like that)

 

“I’ll Take Two!”

I cannot believe how some parents spoil their children.  They seem to have every toy in the world.  Do they think their child can’t want for anything?  Do they have so much money that they just have to buy everything? Do they think these things can fill in for their obvious lack of actual love?

Nope.

It’s just that… well..  buying kids stuff is freaking fun!

I never really knew.

But this Christmas, buying things for Jonah has excited me in a way that I’m sure everyone else understands, but is sortof new to me.

I’m thrilled as if I’ll be getting this stuff for Christmas.  I want him to have EVERYTHING! Building sets, legos, dinosaurs, activitiy sets, art sets, magnets, omg, it’s awesome!

Not because I won’t let him want for anything, but because I WANT ALL THIS STUFF TOO!!!!!

Another past misconception I’ve had to swallow lately.  The good thing is that this “eating your words” stuff is coming easier and easier every day!

Mein Führer!

“Are you a little Hitler?”  Dust asked Jonah

“NO HIT! DADDY NO HIT” he says.

And we all return to cowering where we stand, hoping he won’t look us in the eye as he races through the house screaming things like “GO AWAY!  COME! SIT!” crying all the time.

The kid is a nightmare.

He has also taken to these mini-fits of inconsolableness for no reason at all.  I race my mind for “is he tired?”  “is he hungry?”  but mostly the answer is no.  He just starts and can. not. stop. Often it will be because he has asked you to stand in the dining room AND sit on the couch, and since doing them both is impossible, he freaks out at you.

I found one thing that may work:  yesterday I put him in his crib and told him to call for me when he could settle down.  He actually got a little quiet in there when I left, and then as I was sitting on the computer, he came walking out of his room.  This was the first he has escaped his crib!  My stomach churned.  $&#$*& we’re screwed!

However, the adventure was enough to distract him and stop the fit since he was now busy boastfully prancing around the house with his blanket that had escaped with him.

He wakes up in the morning shouting “TREAT!” and proceeds to freak out when we say “no treats for breakfast.”

It’s 9:00 am, and after I made him his ROAR (dinosaur), he is now asking for “cheese.”  Oh wait… now he is crying for “DINNER!”

Do you know how many arguments between crackheads I have witnessed in front of my house?  THAT is what I feel like is now occurring in my house.  He’s smoking crack behind our backs and then coming out in a tweaky state with his fists up.  I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but THAT is what it feels like with this 2 year old.

Cutest crackhead you ever did see